


Everything's fine, dude!!!

by Coloured_Rainbow



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Episode s07e4 Sweet Dee Gets audited, Its a rewrite but with added in shipping, M/M, if you watch the show, then the jokes shouldnt be too offensive :P
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-29 20:20:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15080963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coloured_Rainbow/pseuds/Coloured_Rainbow
Summary: “We’re not going to disagree,” Charlie squeaked like it was obvious. “That's the point of the Pickle Party! We're very aligned on these issues.”“O-Okay. Alright. Yeah, sure. No, you're the Pickle Party. Great.” Dennis shrugged knowingly. “Okay, so let's just accept that and move on." Dennis shrugged again, a scheming look in his eye as he glances down at his clipboard. “Well, the next issue on our list should be a pretty easy one for the Pickle Party to agree on. ‘A crucifix in the bar.’”“Ah, you are right. This is an easy one.” Leaning forward, Mac interlocked his fingers. “Whywouldn'twe have a crucifix in the bar?”“Because we’re a bar,” Charlie mumbled.





	Everything's fine, dude!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Just a very stupid rewrite of a scene with a... added twist :)

“It has been decided,” Mac grinned smugly as he walked through the bars front door, Charlie following close behind. “We are now the Pickle Party! And _Dee_ has joined us.” Dennis and Frank flashed Mac and Charlie the same confused glare as they took seats on the bar stools in front of where they stood behind the counter. “We are going to vote for _pickles_ in the bar instead of limes.”

“What are you talking about?” Dennis asked, shooting Mac a condescending look.

“It doesn't matter.” Mac waved his hand dismissively. “The point is that our three votes will always beat your two.”

“We win, dude!” Charlie chimed in. “We’re the winners, okay? Give me a beer with a pickle in it.”

“Well, what happens when you three disagree with each other?”

“We’re not going to disagree,” Charlie squeaked like it was obvious. “That's the point of the Pickle Party! We're very aligned on these issues.”

“You can't just-just start your own party.” Frank gestured with his hands as he spoke. “You gotta talk with people--”

“Yes you can!” Charlie interrupted. “If you're not as educated or as informed, what you do is start your own party and you yell the loudest.”

“We want attention!” Mac yelled with a shit grin on his face, pounding a fist on the counter. 

“O-Okay. Alright. Yeah, sure. No, you're the Pickle Party. Great.” Dennis shrugged knowingly. “Okay, so let's just accept that and move on.”

“Yes, Frank, _move on,_ ” Mac squinted victoriously.

Dennis shrugged at Frank. “Reason will prevail.”

“ _Pickles_ will prevail!” Mac and Charlie chirped in unison, followed by a hardy chuckle from Mac.

“Okay.” Dennis shrugged again, a scheming look in his eye as he glances down at his clipboard. “Well, the next issue on our list should be a pretty easy one for the Pickle Party to agree on. ‘A crucifix in the bar.’” 

Dennis smugly glanced up and tapped his pen on his clipboard as Mac slammed his hands on the table. “Ah, you are right. This is an easy one.” Leaning forward, Mac interlocked his fingers. “Why _wouldn't_ we have a crucifix in the bar?”

“Because we’re a bar,” Charlie mumbled, flashing Mac a confused grin.

“Right, but we’re an Irish Catholic bar.”

“We’re an _Irish_ bar.”

“Yeah, Irish _Catholic_ bar. And therefore, a giant wooden crucifix is a celebration of our heritage.”

“Giant?” Charlie asked, his smile falling. 

“Yeah.”

“How big of a crucifix do you want?”

“Big,” Mac scoffed, taking no notice as Dennis and Frank shuffled off out from behind the counter and into the back room. “It should be the centerpiece of the whole room. I mean, it should dominate every conversation.”

Charlie leaned back. “That's gonna be terrifying!”

“It _should_ be terrifying. That's how you know God _loves_ you, Charlie.”

“I don't want a giant, bloody man in the bar,” Charlie shouted, smacking the table, “scaring the customers and, most importantly, me!”

\---

“I just played them like a fiddle,” Dennis chuckled as he closed the door behind himself. Frank sat down at the desk, looking up at his son. “A goddamn fiddle.”

“What do you want?” Frank asked, leaning back in his chair.

“I want in on the action,” Dennis pointed an accusatory finger at Frank, glancing behind him as if to check that no one was listening. “Whatever it us that you got going on around here, I want a piece of it--okay? You see, Frank… you might not know this, but you need me. People don't trust you, Frank. You're a piece of shit. And you're ugly. And you ooze sleaze, and you're very, very ugly.”

Frank hesitated for a moment, but then quickly leaned down and opened a drawer, pulling out a book. “....Alright, I'm gonna make you my puppet.”

\---

“Oh yeah?!” Charlie screamed, jumping out of his chair in angry excitement. 

“Yeah!” Mac screamed back, standing up. “Me and Jesus would kick your ass before you could!”

Charlie laughed. “No no no, it'd be a _piece of cake_ to track down your fat ass and kill you!”

“Oh, oh _real_ classy, bringing my… my weight into it,” Mac glared, sitting back down.

Charlie stopped dead, letting his arms drop to his side. “Oh. Oh, sorry dude--ah, look, I didn't mean it like that.”

“No, I know what you meant,” Mac huffed. “Everyone here's always pointing out my weight and my diabetes. I fucking get it, alright?”

“...Ahhh, man.” Charlie sighed, sitting back down on the same stool he was before. “Dude, ya just… can't let them bring you down.”

“You realize you make fun of me too, right?” 

“Yeah, but that's just because I do what other people do!” Charlie shrugged. “I don't wanna seem uncool--be the only guy not making fun of you!”

“ _Thanks,_ that makes me feel a lot better,” Mac drawled, rolling his eyes.

“C’mon, dude, don't take it so personally. I--shit.” Charlie ran a hand over his mouth glancing around. “I-If you ask me, bro, I'd say you look better.”

“Oh, well now you're just lying!”

“No! No, I'm not dude! I just guess I think it's pretty cool you feel confident enough to, like, be like that in public! God knows that-that if _I_ gained weight? I'd never leave my house dude.”

“Are you trying to comfort me? Because if so, you _really_ suck at this.”

“Look! I just--!” Charlie gestured as he look for the right words, eventually just smacking his hand down on Mac’s stomach.

“Dude! Not cool!”

“No, look! Just!” Charlie slowly began running his palm in circles around Mac’s belly, looking up into his eyes with a crazy look in his own. “It's really nice! You got a nice gut, dude.”

For a few seconds, Mac looked in to Charlie’s eyes as he rubbed his stomach before Charlie pipped up. “This is weird, right?”

“...Yeah, this is actually really weird.”

“Whatever,” Charlie mumbled, pulling back. “You got a nice gut, that's all.”

“That's all?”

“Yeah! That's all, okay? Nothing weird!”

A few moments of silence passed before Charlie looked up to see Mac still looking at him.

Charlie nervously looked back and forth, shrugging. “What?”

\---

“Wolf Cola?” Dennis asked, glaring at one of the books pages. 

“Wolf Cola!” Frank repeated. “That's a bogus soda distributor. I made it up!” They both laughed. “Yeah, it's fake! The whole idea is, the more corporations that you can plant offshore--”

“Right.”

“--the more money you can rake in--!”

“Da-da-da!” Dennis angrily waved a hand in Franks face. “I don't care about any of these details, but I like these figures I'm seeing… Alright, I'll be the puppet and do my dance and you can keep the goddamn details to yourself.”

“Eh!” Frank exclaimed, holding up a finger and pausing to listen before lowering his voice to a whisper. “I don't think I hear any arguing out there.”

Dennis listened for a moment as well before turning around to face the door. “Ah, shit. Maybe they resolved things.”

“Well, let's go _unresolve_ things! We have a lot of talking to do.”

“Right, right,” Dennis nodded, standing up and not bothering to wait for Frank to follow before opening the door and walking out towards the bar counter. Looking over, Dennis froze in place and covered his eyes. “Oh--Jesus Christ! What the fuck?!”

“What?” Frank squawked as he waddled out of the back room, making it just in time to get a glimpse of Mac pinning Charlie against the side of the counter as they kissed each other intently, Charlie’s hands snaked around Mac’s sides underneath his shirt. “Whoa, woah!” Frank shouted as they both froze in place, looking over at him and Dennis. “What the hell?!”

“Uh--!” Charlie scratched his head as Mac stepped back. “Shit dude, uhhhh…”

Dennis shot them a disgusted look. “What the hell did I just witness?”

“I don't know, you tell me!” Charlie chuckled nervously. “I-I didn't see anything!”

“Yeah!” Mac chimed in, shrugging.

“Uhm,” Dennis scoffed. “I saw you--making out with Charlie?”

“Oh my god!” Frank’s face dropped in realization. “I've been living with a gay! We share the same bed!” He groaned, stomping off towards the bars entrance. “Yech!! I need to take a shower in bleach! Everything in that entire goddamn apartment’s going in the trash! Gonna get fucken AIDS!!!” Everyone's eyes following Frank as he grumbled to himself and ran out if the building. Dennis blinked after a few seconds, looking back over at the others.

“Okay, _Charlie_ I get,” Dennis started, making Charlie and Mac look back over at him. “I wouldn't be surprised if he finally gave up on women and decided to try out guys--but Mac?” He took a step back, honestly looking offended. “Why you? And for him? I would guess that if anyone made you gay, it would be me.”

“I’m not gay!” Mac chuckled hysterically.

“And I'm not mad,” Dennis stated, “that you picked Charlie over me. Just disappointed…. No, you know what, actually, I’m fucken pissed! Charlie? Really?”

“Look, I feel like _everyone's_ ganging up on me!!!” Charlie screamed. “First Frank thinks he has AIDS, and Dennis is being a douche! And now Mac says he's not gay--how's that supposed to make me feel!?!?”

“I don't know!” Mac shouted.

“WELL NOT VERY GOOD, I'LL TELL YA!!!”

“Oh my god, would guys stop yelling!” Dennis shouted back, covering an ear.

“I'm very conflicted!!!” Mac yelled.

“AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” Charlie let out a blood curdling screech that made Mac and Dennis both freeze in place before he grabbed his hair tightly as he ran out of the building.

“Holy! Shit!” Dennis complained, rubbing one of his temples. “He is loud!”

“Yeah, jeez,” Mac chuckled, sticking a finger in his ear. Dennis squinted at him.

“Get out, traitor.

“Really?”

“Yeah, really!”

“And you know, gay people don't just _chose_ to be--”

“I said get the fuck out!”

**Author's Note:**

> If ya liked this, consider following either my [main Tumblr blog](https://rainbow-flavoured.tumblr.com) or my [art blog](https://www.angstflavoured.tumblr.com) :)


End file.
